RB Blog

Wednesday – Reader Question of the Week

Q: Help!  Okay I could use some advice.  I’m getting married in two weeks to a kind and wonderful man.  We are madly in love.  However here is the catch – my about to be husband has always defined himself as bi.   I am supportive of this and have been okay with him seeing a guy on the side as long as it was once in awhile. (note this guy lives in a different city so they only see each other about 3 times a year).  Now this guy is moving to our town and my (about to be??) husband wants to save one night a week for him.  He promises he is most in love with me and mainly wants to be with a woman, but he still has a part of him that is attracted to men and needs to be satisfied.  He has been honest and open with me every step of the way.  And we are madly in love.   Am I crazy if I go ahead and support this and marry him?  – Completely Confused,  Houston, TX.

A: Whoa, nelly! This is a complicated question, and there’s no simple answer. I know more than a few folks who have open or semi-open marriages, and it works great for many of them. But the key to being successful with openness is security within the primary relationship. You need to feel secure and strong in your partner’s willingness to prioritizing your relationship above all else. After all, a marriage (even the most unconventional one) is all about forming a lifetime partnership, and that takes a serious commitment. It sounds like this new situation is making you question your partner’s level of commitment.

If you’re willing to make room in the marriage for your husband’s sexual preferences, then more power to you. But it sounds like you’re feeling threatened or unsure about where you stand now that your husband’s boyfriend is going to become a more regular fixture in his life. Is it possible that deep down, you’re not entirely convinced about your husband’s BI-sexuality? Do you think that he may actually prefer men to women, and that you could end up being the one who’s “on the side”, while his relationship with this man takes center stage in his heart…and his pants? You could ask him, though it sounds like he’s telling you that you’re number one. So dig deep, sister. Ask your gut if you’re 100% convinced that he wants to maintain a primary relationship with you. If the answer is yes, then it doesn’t seem like the change from seeing his boyfriend “once in a while” to “once a week” should actually make that big a difference. If you’re not sure, put your marriage plans on hold until the answer becomes clear. You can always reschedule a wedding, but you can’t go back and undo your vows once they’re taken.  – Tracy DiNunzio, Founder/Recycled Bride

Have wedding or marriage questions? Email them to us! liz {at} recycledbride.com

What do you think about “Completely Confused in Houston”’s predicament? Tell us in the comments below!